As a way of both celebrating the joy of life and the power of Christ’s resurrection… and giving our congregation (and myself!) a chance to laugh and unwind, I thought I would celebrate Holy Humor Sunday.  The day was lighthearted, the pastoral prayer was a celebration of God’s good creation, and the sermon time was entirely one joke after another.  I offer these jokes (none of them original to me) as a way of spreading the laughter and love that was certainly a part of our day.

Sermon Sunday, April 22, 2012
Genesis 21:1-6 & Proverbs 17:22
“LOL!”
Franklin Circle Christian Church (Disciples of Christ)
http://www.FranklinCircleChurch.org
Cleveland, Ohio
Rev. Allen V. Harris, Pastor & Comedian;
Jake Pruitt, Videographer

 

To hear the podcast of this “sermon” click here:  120422SermonPodcast

To watch this “sermon” via video on YouTube, go to:  http://youtu.be/ZVU3uC6yIfE
To read the Pastoral Prayer Pastor Allen offered, go to:http://lectionaryliturgies.blogspot.com/2012/04/holy-humorhilarity-alternate-…and scroll down to the “Great Thanksgiving”
To see some of the sites where Pastor Allen found some of the jokes he shared, go to:
www.joyfulnoiseletter.com/holy_humor.asp
www.holyjoke.freeuk.com/jokes.html
www.christian-jokes.net/

A portrait of Pastor Allen on Holy Humor Sunday, by Ryan.

>>A Different Take On Some Familiar Bible Stories:

A little girl decided she was going to read the Bible, so she opened her grandma’s huge, old leather-bound bible that had been passed down through the family for generations.  As she turned the pages, a fragile, old pressed leaf fell out.  She gently picked it up and ran to her grandma, “Grandma! Grandma!  I found Adam’s underwear!”

——

Abraham bought himself a fancy new computer. He was showing it to Isaac one day. “Look at all the wonderful programs it has on it. And look at all the neat things it can do…”

Isaac was impressed, but a little concerned…”But dad, I don’t think your computer has enough memory.”

Abraham said “Don’t worry son; the Lord will provide the RAM.”

——-

THE SOUTHERN TEN COMMANDMENTS This is much easier to remember !!!

Some people have trouble with all those ‘shall’s’ and ‘shall not’s’ in the Ten Commandments. In middle Tennessee they translated the ‘King James’ into ‘ Jackson County’ language….no joke (posted on the wall at Cross Trails Church in Gainesboro, TN).

(1) Just one God

(2) Put nothin’ before God

(3) Watch yer mouth

(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin’

(5) Honor yer Ma & Pa

(6) No killin’

(7) No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal. [OR guy!]

(8) Don’t take what ain’t yers

(9) No tellin’ tales or gossipin’

(10) Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff

That’s it, plain an’ simple. Y’all have a nice day now ya hear!

———-

A Sunday School teacher was teaching the story of Lazarus to her class. “After Lazarus’ death, many people gathered to console Mary and Martha,” I said. “They treated Lazarus’s body, wrapped him, and laid him in the tomb.  After four days of mourning, Lazarus stood up and walked out of the tomb.  Now, what do you think those people were thinking then?”

One of her students spoke up: “All that work for nothing.”

—–

Jesus and his disciples were walking around one day, when Jesus said, “The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9.” The disciples looked very puzzled, and finally asked Peter, “What on earth does Jesus mean — the Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9?” Peter said, “Don’t worry, guys.  It’s just another one of his parabolas…”

—–

>>Out Of The Mouths Of Children:

A 6-year-old went to Bible School at a nearby church, and while telling her parents about it, she referred to the pastor by his first name.

The father corrected her, saying she needed to call him Pastor Chris because he’s a pastor just like Pastor John, Pastor Mark, and Pastor Glen.

“Do you know what ‘pastor’ means?” he asked.

She considered the question and then said, very tentatively, “I’m not sure, but I think it means goofy.”

—Sherry Bennett, Knox, Pennsylvania

——

When a friend asked her 4-year-old daughter to fetch a can of soup from the pantry, she replied, “But it’s dark and scary in there!”

“You don’t have to be afraid,” came her mother’s calm reply. “Jesus is always with you, even in the pantry.”



The girl thought for a moment, walked over to the pantry, stuck her head in the door, and called, “Jesus, if you’re in there, can you hand me a can of soup?”

—Andrea Miller, Greenville, South Carolina

—–

A woman’s grandson was visiting her one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?”  She mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?”

“You’re both old,” he replied.

—-

A pastor was speaking to a group of second-graders about the resurrection of Jesus when one student asked, “What did Jesus say right after He came out of the grave?”

The pastor explained that the Gospels do not tell us what He said.

The hand of one little girl shot up. “I know what He said: He said, ‘Tah-dah!'”

via Andy Fisher
Denville, NJ

——-

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!'”

— Posted 2 December 2001
Submitted by Teresa

———

A Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting by a pond talking when she asked, “Did God made you, Grandpa?”  “Yes, God made me,” the grandfather answered.  A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, “Did God make me too?”  “Yes, He did,” the grandpa answered.For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the pond.  Her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.  At last she spoke up. “You know, Grandpa,” she said, “God’s doing a lot better job lately.”

— Posted 2 December 2001

——

A Mother was reading a Bible story to her young daughter. She read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt”.Her daughter asked, “What happened to the flea?”

——-

After church one Sunday morning, the family gathered for Sunday dinner.  While eating, the mother commented, “The choir was awful this morning and the soloist’s screeching hurt my ears.”  The father chimed in, “The pastor’s sermon was way too long and communion felt like it lasted a lifetime.”

Their 7-year-old daughter added, “You’ve got to admit, though, it was a pretty good show for a dollar.

>>>Funny Things Heard In Church:

 

After a very long and boring sermon, the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher.  Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons.  “Well Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God!”

The pastor was thrilled.  “No-one has ever said anything like that about my preaching before.  Tell me why.”

“Well – it reminded me of the Peace of God because it passed all understanding and the Love of God because it endured forever!”

—–

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.  She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.  The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

“Tom was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain.  We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief.  The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m Tom Smith.” The entire congregation held its breath.  “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum

—–

A man had been shipwrecked on a remote island in the Pacific, and he was alone for 20 years. When a ship finally arrived, his rescuers were impressed with the three buildings he had built and asked him about them.”Well,” the man replied, “this is my house, this is my store, this is my office, and that building over there is my church.  It’s a wonderful church and I just love going there.”

“And what is the building way over there?” a rescuer asked.

“Oh, that is the stinkin’ church I used to go to,” the man replied.  “They’re all hypocrites there!”

via Palmer Stiles
, Melbourne, FL

—–

During his weekly children’s sermon, the Pastor asked the kids, “Why is it so important that we be quiet in church.” A Deacons answered, “Because people are sleeping.”

—–

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she had a near death experience.  Seeing God, she asked “Is my time up?”God said, “No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”  Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.  So, upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck.  She even had someone come in and change her hair color.

After her very last operation, she was released from the hospital.  While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.  Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I though you said I had another 40 years?”

God replied, “Sorry!  I didn’t recognize you.”

—–

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”  The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”

The one dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.”

—-

“There will be a meeting of the Board immediately after the service,” announced the pastor. After the close of the service, the group gathered at the back of the auditorium for the announced meeting.  But there was a stranger in their midst.  He was a visitor who had never attended their church before.

“My friend,” asked the pastor, did you understand that this is a meeting of the Board?”

“Yes,” said the visitor, “and after that sermon, I’m about as bored as you can get!”

>>>Those Darn Pastors:

When a young minister was still single, he preached a sermon he entitled, “Rules for Raising Children.”  After he got married and had children of his own, he changed the title of the sermon to “Suggestions for Raising Children.”  When his children got to be teenagers, he stopped preaching on that subject altogether.— Rev. Bernard Brunsting

—–

A Churchgoer wrote a letter to the editor of the newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.  “I’ve gone for 30 years now,” he wrote, “and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons.  But for the life of me I can’t remember a single one of them.  So I think I’m wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.”This started a real controversy in the “Letters to the Editor” column, much to the delight of the editor.  It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

I’ve been married for 30 years now.  In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals.  But for the life of me, I cannot recall what the menu was for a single one of those meals.  But I do know this: they all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work.  If my wife had not given me those meals, I would be dead today.”

No comments were made on the sermon contents anymore.

———

Thinking of Bill & Louise Golicic:

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his congregation:”It’s so beautiful here in the winter,” he said, “that heaven doesn’t interest them.”

“And it’s so hot here in the summer that hell doesn’t scare them.”

——

Last Sunday, the pastor of a local church began his sermon with a supposedly true story…”I was on a plane last week, flying from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.  As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and finally even the flight attendants began to look concerned.  Finally, one of them noticed that I had “REV.” in front of my name on the passenger list came over to me and said, “Sir, this is really frightening.  Do you suppose you could … I don’t know … do something religious?”

“So I took up a collection.”

—-

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the church doors for the last time.  He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said, “Your successor won’t be as good as you.” “Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

“No, really”, said the older lady, “I’ve been here under five different ministers, and each new one has been worse than the last.”

—–

Each Sunday, the pastor would take off his watch, and he’d place it gently on the pulpit in front of him. One day a little girl whispered in her grandpa’s ear, “Grandpa, what does that watch mean?”

Her Grandpa said, “Not a thing, honey. Not a thing.”

—–

>>>In General Humor:

Perspective Is Everything:

Three people were visiting and viewing the Grand Canyon — an artist, a pastor and a cowboy.  As they stood on the edge of that massive abyss, each one responded with a cry of exclamation.  The artist said, “Ah, what a beautiful scene to paint!”  The minister cried, “What a wonderful example of the handiwork of God!”  The cowboy mused, “What a terrible place to lose a cow!”

—–

A man dies and goes to heaven.  St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay” the man says, “I attended church every Sunday.”

“That’s good, says St. Peter, ” that’s worth two points.”

“Two points?” he says. “Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church.”

“Well, let’s see,” answers Peter, “that’s worth another 2 points.  Did you do anything else?”

“Two points?  Golly.  How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s certainly worth a point, ” he says.

“hmmm…,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“THREE POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

——

>>>Quickies:

How do angels greet each other?

They say, “Halo!”

What did the cabbage pastor say to the people?

Lettuce pray!

How many choir directors does it take to change a light bulb?

No one knows, because no one ever watches the director!

How many Disciples of Christ does it take to change a light bulb?

Change? Disciples don’t believe in change!

What’s the greatest joke ever?

The one God played on death on Easter morning!

——–

Sources:

Joyful Noiseletter: http://www.joyfulnoiseletter.com/holy_humor.asp

Holy Joke: http://www.holyjoke.freeuk.com/jokes.html

http://www.christian-jo

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